My Two Cents Marriage and Dating

Preparing for Marriage 

This week we talked about marriage. Now I’m not married so my knowledge of this subject is minimal but there were a lot of good comments and things discussed in class this week that I really am wanting to share. I think anyone can benefit from knowing these things, whether you are married or not. We started off by asking the question, “How can you prepare for marriage?” I really like a comment that my classmate made. He basically said that anything good you do will prepare you for marriage. Marriage is selfless service, love, compassion, compromise, and hard work. Anything that you do now that involves any of those things will prepare you to be with your love and for marriage.

What things do we look for in a partner? Here is a list of things that typically attracts us to someone else.

-          Age

-          Personal traits

-          Physical appearance

-          Financial status

-          Education

-          Lifestyle

-          Personal relationships

-          Sexual looks/behaviors

What drew you to your partner? Or if your single, what are you typically attracted to? What draws you in? My professor discussed how we often look for commonalities in partners. Something that looks or feels familiar to us. Have you ever heard how women tend to date someone who resembles their father? This is kind of that concept. Another thing we talked about is how in the past, interracial marriage used to be looked down upon. Although now it isn’t as much as a controversy, there are still reasons behind dating someone of a different race might lead to difficulties in marriage. A few examples are different customs, culture, lifestyle and beliefs. It’s not impossible, but it can be a stressor if you have so many differences.

            In today’s culture, people tend to date on their own schedule. They want something that is casual or convenient. No one wants to go out of their way to pursue a potential relationship. If it inconveniences them it’s not worth it. I think that because of this mindset, so many opportunities are missed to get to know someone that you may really connect with.

            What is the know-quotient? These are the three thing that need to happen for you to really get to know someone. They are togetherness, talk, and time. Those are the three things that are so important in a relationship and really knowing someone. Time is a big one in the Mormon dating culture. It isn’t uncommon for people to get married so soon after dating. Studies have shown that it usually takes about 3 months for someone to show them true selves. When you start dating someone you want to put on your best self, and it’s kind of a front. Those walls take around 3 months to come down. That is when your true colors really come through. That is why it’s important to not get married so fast. You want to make sure that the person they are portraying themselves to be is really who they are. You don’t want their true selves to start showing after you are already married. Going along with this, when we meet someone we really like, we get intoxicated by the way we feel around them. The term “drunk on love” can explain this. When we are drunk on someone’s love, it can make it hard to see any red flags that may be there. This is why having time apart is crucial. You need time to step back and analyze the relationship with a clear head. It’s not healthy to spend every second of your time together.

These are just my two cents on marriage, and my favorite points brought up in class. What are your thoughts?

Gender Roles and Same Gender Attraction

This week in my family relations class we talked about gender roles and same sex attraction. I know this can be a sensitive topic for a lot of people. This could be for many different reasons. Maybe you have someone who you know personally who has struggled with same gender attraction or even yourself. There is a lot of debate in today’s world about every angle of the subject. My goal in this post is just to talk about what was discussed in class and maybe share my views in a respectful manner.

To start off the week we started by talking about gender roles and the differences between males and females. We came up with characteristics or quality traits of boys and girls that maybe contradict each other. The list for girls was; social, relational oriented (for example, when driving or giving directions you pay attention to your surroundings rather than street names or highway signs), communicative, empathetic, cooperative, and nurturing. Did you know that girls have 5x more connective tissue between verbal and emotional parts in the brain? I thought that was super interesting. The list for boys was; aggressive, special oriented, competitive, preside, provide, and protect. I know these lists seem kind of sexist, and that is not the intention at all. I realize that boys and girls can possess qualities in both of these lists.

Moving forward, do you think that we raise boys differently than girls? Why do you think that is? In my criminology class I read about how we raise girls with more compassion, and we are more forgiving, like they are more delicate. I think we are harder on boys. We teach them that being aggressive is part of being a boy and that is okay. I think this quote is really good. It says

 “We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls.” Interpret the quote as you will. Another quote that I like was “toxic masculinity is a source of a lot of our problems. “

            We then moved the discussion forward into same gender attraction. There are 3 terms that are commonly used. They are; same gender attraction, homosexual, and gay. I know that this topic can be hard to talk about but her is my opinion. It contradicts what was talked about in class but I don’t think being gay is a choice. I know there are a lot of people especially in the church that wish they didn’t feel the things that they felt and that they could be attracted to women, be married and have a family, but they don’t feel that way. To me, all I really want is for people to be happy. I just try to imagine how I would feel if the tables were turned, if it was wrong to be heterosexual and we were supposed to marry someone of our own sex. How many of us could do it? Are you choosing to be heterosexual, or is that just how you were born? Attracted to the opposite sex? It puts a whole new perspective on trying to force the LGBTQ+ community to do what we want. I know that is how God intended things to be, male and female married. That is the only way to have children. Personally, I can’t justify taking about the rights for a person to be loved and have love in their life, just because of my personal beliefs. Everybody deserves that, whether you are gay or straight. At this point in time I don’t feel like them living their gay lives are hurting me. I would rather them be in a happy homosexual relationship than be miserable with a woman they love but aren’t sexually attracted to. These are just my personal thoughts. What do you think? 

Family Cultures

Week 3 Blog: Social Class and Cultural Diversity

This week in class we talked about the different culture that each family has and where it came from. So, what is the definition of culture? According to Webster’s Dictionary, culture is “the customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group. Also: the characteristic features of everyday existence (such as diversions or a way of life) shared by people in a place or time” I think this perfectly describes a family. A family is a group that shares the same beliefs, social rules, and traits, (whether it be religious or racial) A family shares common things in the same place and same times. What cultural similarities do you and your family share? Were you all the same race? Did you all practice the same religion? Or have similar interests? Did you look really similar to your family members, or did people have no idea you were related until you told them? Not all families are “normal.” There are special circumstances that make families, well, special. You may have been adopted, or even have adopted children yourself. Maybe you were a convert to a church that your family didn’t necessarily believe in. Maybe you had a lot of step siblings, with different nationalities and races mixed in. And that’s okay! Each family is unique and that is what makes each family system so great.

Growing up, you may have had rules that you think were beneficial, but you also may have had rules and routines that you don’t necessarily agree with. How do you decide what to keep when you start a family of your own, and how do you decide what to toss out the window? Parenting doesn’t come with a rule book, so it is hard to place blame when you feel like a parent did things a certain way that you didn’t feel was right, but the good thing is that we can learn from the mistakes our parents made to improve our future families. I know personally growing up, there were a lot of things that were don’t that I don’t think were fair, and still think had an affect on me, even still today. I look forward to that day when I can implement good, healthy, loving rules and rituals into my own family. I hope by doing this that I can really establish a healthy relationship between me and my children and me and my spouse to create a good home environment; something I feel that I missed out on.

From a religious perspective, especially in the church, practices that I think encourage unity and bring out the best in families is prayer, scripture study, home evenings, and attending church regularly as a family. I think that when you do anything together as a family, unity and love will be present and grow. Growing up, my family didn’t do most of those things. I don’t place entire blame on anyone, and I know my family was a little messed up, but I look forward to when I can marry someone who wants to raise a family the correct way, and who encourages these routines in our home. It’s so important who you date, because oftentimes they are the type of people you end up marrying. The family is the most important structure and you really have to nurture and care for it. Be with someone who has the same views and goals as you when it comes to raising a righteous family.

What are your thoughts on your family cultures?

How have you done things differently?

Are there things that you family growing up did that you didn’t carry on?

Thanks for reading this week!

Family System Theories and Roles

“The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.”

This week in class was so interesting. We started by talking about the differences between theories, hypotheses, law, facts, and truth. I really liked a scripture that someone in class read. It’s D&C 93:24. It says, “The truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come.” To me this really means that truth is truth, before, now, and forever. It never changes.

We went on to talk about the different kinds of theories that can be applied to families and family research. I will name them and then kind of go through and define/provide an example of each on so they are easier to understand. They are;

Systems Theory- “when an intimate group (in this case, a family) is analyzed as a whole. This specific group has boundaries that distinguish it from other groups.” An example of this is how each family has their own set of rules, and procedures they follow that are unique to their family.

Exchange Theory- this is when the “you owe me” kind of attitude comes into play. In a relationship, if the cost it takes to keep that relationship in tact is greater than the rewards you reap from that relationship, more often than not, the ties to that relationship will be cut. It won’t always be in an intentionally malicious way, but if we aren’t getting back what we put out, why would we want to keep putting effort into something where we receive nothing in return? It’s kind of like the analogy where we each have our own buckets of water, and if we constantly have to give and fill someone else’s bucket, we will eventually be dried out. Nothing left. We have to get something back as well in every kind of relationship. Relationships go both ways.

Symbolic Interaction Theory- this theory says that humans are cognitive creatures who are influenced by their interaction experiences with others. A girl in class gave an example of how if a cute person came up to you and randomly asked you one a date, you would think it was sweet and probably say yes. But if you flip it around and someone you didn’t find super attractive did that, you would think it was weird and probably say no. It’s interesting how our perceptions and interactions with the people around us shape what we think about them.

Conflict Theory- this theory means that within a group, there is always going to be inequality, conflict, and struggles over resources. In a family, everyone has differing interests, needs and goals.  You sometime struggle within each other to meet those needs.

W can use these theories to explain and analyze things going on in our own families.

We also talked about the different family rules that we each grew up with. They could even be unspoken rules, like unassigned seating at the kitchen table when eating dinner. Things like that. A few examples of family rules could be asking both mom and dad for permission to do something, or maybe dad drives the family when they go places. It’s something that goes without being said and no one questions it.

We talked about the role we each played in our family growing up. What was your role? I can’t pinpoint a specific title but I was definitely a help and almost a second mom to my younger siblings. I was also very sarcastic and joked a lot.

We briefly talked about how when we are dating now, it is important to date a variety of people to see what you like, what works, and what doesn’t. Who you date and marry will greatly impact your future children? I know that I don’t always think about how who I marry could affect my future children.

Anyways, these are just my two cents and thoughts about what we learned this week. Thanks for turning in! Feel free to share any thoughts you have!

Trends in Families Today

During these first couple of weeks of my Family Relations class, we have talked about several different things. During the first week, we discussed the importance of conducting and studying reliable research. When doing a sampling comparison, you always were a control variable, and then a variable that can change, be studied and experimented with. When studying something as important as the family, you want to be careful about where you get our sources, and whether or not they are biased. One thing we studied was the effect on children being raised by gay parents. The results concluded that there was essentially no lasting negative impact. Some might look at this and think it was researched well and the results are accurate. If you really look deeper, you would realize that the people doing the research were all white, and the gay parents they talked to and interviewed were white too. This shows a little bit of bias in my opinion. This is one example of being careful where you get your research from. It may not always be the most reliable. An important thing to remember is that a random sample will always be more reliable than a convenience sample or any other kind of research/experiment. Moving forward, we talked about some thing or outcomes that could be learned more about by doing research on families and children. They are;

  1. Mental/emotional health
 2. Attachment and relationship
 3. School and academic performance
 4. How they handle stress
 5. Delinquent behavior
 6. Employment success
 7. Marriage rates
 8. Divorce rates

 These are all significantly important things. Really quick, are there any questions or things that you would like me to try explain or go deeper into during this semester? Particularly relating to the family? I would love to try and do that for those of you who may be interested. I may not know much but I think we can all learn from each of our own life experiences and opinions, whether we agree or disagree or come from completely opposite backgrounds. I think that we see a lot of trends in today’s world that some might find concerning. What are some common trends you see today that relate to marriage and family that may worry you? The ones we discussed in class are the following;
 1. The age of marriage- those outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints marry around the ages of 28-30. Those of our faith are now getting married around 24-26. This is higher than it used to be.

 2. Cohabitation. 60%-80% of couples today live together before they are married. I believe the divorce rate is higher for those couples.

 3. Employed mothers. A lot of mothers are choosing to work outside the home. I personally fully support mothers getting and pursuing educations, before or even while they are mothers.

 4. Living Alone and Depression- studies have shown that there is a significant correlation between singles living alone and depression. I think we all know that depression and suicide is practically a national crisis at this point. Sometimes dating and marriage is completely out of our control, no matter how much effort we give. But there are things that can be done if we start to feel those feeling of depression and loneliness.

 5. Sexual Intimacy- a large number of couples choose to have sex before marriage. Everyone has their free will to choose, but I believe that sexual intimacy should be reserved for marriage, between a husband and a spouse. It connects and bonds the two of you together like nothing else can.

 6. Household size- people are choosing to have fewer and fewer kids. There are special circumstances where maybe your finances won’t allow children at this point in time, but there is also the well-known argument that the world is running out of resources and overpopulation is going to be a huge problem down the road.

 7. Divorce- this can be a touchy subject, especially when I believe divorce is completely justified in cases such as abuse or when one’s safety is at risk. Divorce rates are higher than ever. Some see their first marriage as a “practice marriage” therefore not giving there all when hard things come their way.
In conclusion, I know these are some touchy and hard subjects, but I hope that I seem objective and do not offend those of you who may have or are currently experiencing any of these things. I know that families are so important and I want to talk about them in the best way I can.

Hey everyone! I am currently a student at BYU-Idaho studying Sociology. This semester I an in a Family Relations class. Each week I will post about what we have been learning as well as my own personal thoughts on the topics. Feel free to read and comment! Thanks.