Early Marital Adjustments

This week in class we talked about transitions and adjustments in early marriage. This was a really interesting topic to talk about, especially since marriage is such a large part of our culture as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We tend to get married younger than the average young adult. Knowing about how to navigate as a newlywed can be super useful, even as someone like me who is VERY single at the moment.

We started out by talking about having a strong foundation to your relationship. Even when you start courting someone, you should start building a foundation that would be able to withstand hard times if you got married. So, what can you do to build a strong foundation to start from? I think honesty, communication, trust and mutual respect is a good start. Having spiritual conversations and living the gospel together. We also talked about problems solving skills, setting boundaries, and learning how to add family and friends in to the equation. These are things that you should start to work on when you are courting. My professor also said that we shouldn’t be dating exclusively until we are in a place that we are ready to marry. I think this is great advice.             If you wait until marriage to learn how to solve problems together you are going to have a hard time. Here is a quote that I really like from class. I don’t remember who said it so I can’t give credit.

“If women can look back positively at how the relationship started, they are less likely to let go of the marriage when things get hard”

What do you feel are some of the foundations that you build your marriage on? How has that helped you when the hard times have come? If you didn’t have a strong foundation, how has that affected you and your spouse?

We talked about the trends in marriage. The average wedding now costs around $20,000 dollars. To me this is insane. A lot of the times the marriage is delayed just so they can save enough money to pay for it. Don’t do this! My professor said that simply being married can reduce a lot of the problems couples seem to have. Cohabiting is not the same as being married. In fact, couple who cohabitate before getting married are statistically more likely to get a divorce.

We also talked about the challenges you might face once you actually tie the knot. They are:

-          Children (fun fact: (okay, not really fun but) Marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of each child)

-          Work

-          Being with one person all the time

-          Finances

-          Decision making

If we know that these are problems that might arise once we are married, it might be wise to talk about how we are going to get through those challenges once they do come up in marriage. If we talk about them beforehand, we will be better prepared to handle them.

In the first couple years of marriage, really try to establish those patterns that are important to you and your spouse. What do you want to do once you have children? What kind of example do you want to set for them? These are important things to think about.

            I really like this that my professor said. He said

“We can do what’s natural, or we can do what’s supernatural”

            The basically means that in marriage, you can do what the natural man would do, or you can look outside yourself and rise about what the natural man would do. Rise about and make your marriage better than you could ever have thought. Marriage is so special and we should treat it as such. Don’t take it lightly, but make it the best you can!

My Two Cents Marriage and Dating

Preparing for Marriage 

This week we talked about marriage. Now I’m not married so my knowledge of this subject is minimal but there were a lot of good comments and things discussed in class this week that I really am wanting to share. I think anyone can benefit from knowing these things, whether you are married or not. We started off by asking the question, “How can you prepare for marriage?” I really like a comment that my classmate made. He basically said that anything good you do will prepare you for marriage. Marriage is selfless service, love, compassion, compromise, and hard work. Anything that you do now that involves any of those things will prepare you to be with your love and for marriage.

What things do we look for in a partner? Here is a list of things that typically attracts us to someone else.

-          Age

-          Personal traits

-          Physical appearance

-          Financial status

-          Education

-          Lifestyle

-          Personal relationships

-          Sexual looks/behaviors

What drew you to your partner? Or if your single, what are you typically attracted to? What draws you in? My professor discussed how we often look for commonalities in partners. Something that looks or feels familiar to us. Have you ever heard how women tend to date someone who resembles their father? This is kind of that concept. Another thing we talked about is how in the past, interracial marriage used to be looked down upon. Although now it isn’t as much as a controversy, there are still reasons behind dating someone of a different race might lead to difficulties in marriage. A few examples are different customs, culture, lifestyle and beliefs. It’s not impossible, but it can be a stressor if you have so many differences.

            In today’s culture, people tend to date on their own schedule. They want something that is casual or convenient. No one wants to go out of their way to pursue a potential relationship. If it inconveniences them it’s not worth it. I think that because of this mindset, so many opportunities are missed to get to know someone that you may really connect with.

            What is the know-quotient? These are the three thing that need to happen for you to really get to know someone. They are togetherness, talk, and time. Those are the three things that are so important in a relationship and really knowing someone. Time is a big one in the Mormon dating culture. It isn’t uncommon for people to get married so soon after dating. Studies have shown that it usually takes about 3 months for someone to show them true selves. When you start dating someone you want to put on your best self, and it’s kind of a front. Those walls take around 3 months to come down. That is when your true colors really come through. That is why it’s important to not get married so fast. You want to make sure that the person they are portraying themselves to be is really who they are. You don’t want their true selves to start showing after you are already married. Going along with this, when we meet someone we really like, we get intoxicated by the way we feel around them. The term “drunk on love” can explain this. When we are drunk on someone’s love, it can make it hard to see any red flags that may be there. This is why having time apart is crucial. You need time to step back and analyze the relationship with a clear head. It’s not healthy to spend every second of your time together.

These are just my two cents on marriage, and my favorite points brought up in class. What are your thoughts?

Gender Roles and Same Gender Attraction

This week in my family relations class we talked about gender roles and same sex attraction. I know this can be a sensitive topic for a lot of people. This could be for many different reasons. Maybe you have someone who you know personally who has struggled with same gender attraction or even yourself. There is a lot of debate in today’s world about every angle of the subject. My goal in this post is just to talk about what was discussed in class and maybe share my views in a respectful manner.

To start off the week we started by talking about gender roles and the differences between males and females. We came up with characteristics or quality traits of boys and girls that maybe contradict each other. The list for girls was; social, relational oriented (for example, when driving or giving directions you pay attention to your surroundings rather than street names or highway signs), communicative, empathetic, cooperative, and nurturing. Did you know that girls have 5x more connective tissue between verbal and emotional parts in the brain? I thought that was super interesting. The list for boys was; aggressive, special oriented, competitive, preside, provide, and protect. I know these lists seem kind of sexist, and that is not the intention at all. I realize that boys and girls can possess qualities in both of these lists.

Moving forward, do you think that we raise boys differently than girls? Why do you think that is? In my criminology class I read about how we raise girls with more compassion, and we are more forgiving, like they are more delicate. I think we are harder on boys. We teach them that being aggressive is part of being a boy and that is okay. I think this quote is really good. It says

 “We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls.” Interpret the quote as you will. Another quote that I like was “toxic masculinity is a source of a lot of our problems. “

            We then moved the discussion forward into same gender attraction. There are 3 terms that are commonly used. They are; same gender attraction, homosexual, and gay. I know that this topic can be hard to talk about but her is my opinion. It contradicts what was talked about in class but I don’t think being gay is a choice. I know there are a lot of people especially in the church that wish they didn’t feel the things that they felt and that they could be attracted to women, be married and have a family, but they don’t feel that way. To me, all I really want is for people to be happy. I just try to imagine how I would feel if the tables were turned, if it was wrong to be heterosexual and we were supposed to marry someone of our own sex. How many of us could do it? Are you choosing to be heterosexual, or is that just how you were born? Attracted to the opposite sex? It puts a whole new perspective on trying to force the LGBTQ+ community to do what we want. I know that is how God intended things to be, male and female married. That is the only way to have children. Personally, I can’t justify taking about the rights for a person to be loved and have love in their life, just because of my personal beliefs. Everybody deserves that, whether you are gay or straight. At this point in time I don’t feel like them living their gay lives are hurting me. I would rather them be in a happy homosexual relationship than be miserable with a woman they love but aren’t sexually attracted to. These are just my personal thoughts. What do you think? 

Family Cultures

Week 3 Blog: Social Class and Cultural Diversity

This week in class we talked about the different culture that each family has and where it came from. So, what is the definition of culture? According to Webster’s Dictionary, culture is “the customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group. Also: the characteristic features of everyday existence (such as diversions or a way of life) shared by people in a place or time” I think this perfectly describes a family. A family is a group that shares the same beliefs, social rules, and traits, (whether it be religious or racial) A family shares common things in the same place and same times. What cultural similarities do you and your family share? Were you all the same race? Did you all practice the same religion? Or have similar interests? Did you look really similar to your family members, or did people have no idea you were related until you told them? Not all families are “normal.” There are special circumstances that make families, well, special. You may have been adopted, or even have adopted children yourself. Maybe you were a convert to a church that your family didn’t necessarily believe in. Maybe you had a lot of step siblings, with different nationalities and races mixed in. And that’s okay! Each family is unique and that is what makes each family system so great.

Growing up, you may have had rules that you think were beneficial, but you also may have had rules and routines that you don’t necessarily agree with. How do you decide what to keep when you start a family of your own, and how do you decide what to toss out the window? Parenting doesn’t come with a rule book, so it is hard to place blame when you feel like a parent did things a certain way that you didn’t feel was right, but the good thing is that we can learn from the mistakes our parents made to improve our future families. I know personally growing up, there were a lot of things that were don’t that I don’t think were fair, and still think had an affect on me, even still today. I look forward to that day when I can implement good, healthy, loving rules and rituals into my own family. I hope by doing this that I can really establish a healthy relationship between me and my children and me and my spouse to create a good home environment; something I feel that I missed out on.

From a religious perspective, especially in the church, practices that I think encourage unity and bring out the best in families is prayer, scripture study, home evenings, and attending church regularly as a family. I think that when you do anything together as a family, unity and love will be present and grow. Growing up, my family didn’t do most of those things. I don’t place entire blame on anyone, and I know my family was a little messed up, but I look forward to when I can marry someone who wants to raise a family the correct way, and who encourages these routines in our home. It’s so important who you date, because oftentimes they are the type of people you end up marrying. The family is the most important structure and you really have to nurture and care for it. Be with someone who has the same views and goals as you when it comes to raising a righteous family.

What are your thoughts on your family cultures?

How have you done things differently?

Are there things that you family growing up did that you didn’t carry on?

Thanks for reading this week!